Summer’s heat has built up inside of me. And something wants to bust out.
My jaw is held. My chest is tight. My throat is tough. And man are my ears ever braced against the world out there.
It is loud. It is all so very loud.
In this very moment, I want to scream. I want to scratch and claw my way out of discomfort. I want to bust open so I am no longer caught inside.
What power resides in these little bodies of our’s.
And so the work becomes sitting down in this incredible power. The churn in my belly. The throb in my throat. The heat in my ears. The pulse in my legs.
“Go. Go. Go,” chants every tissue in my body.
“Stay. Visit. Feel,” softly guides my heart.
This is not knowing. This is my body and nervous system wanting confirmation that everything. will. work. out. forever. and ever.
Curious request but true nonetheless.
We are exceptional at distracting ourselves from the fragility of this all. We pretend to know what the next day, the next hour, the next five minutes will bring. But we really know nothing.
And that can feel terrifying in its expansiveness.
Or it can feel liberating in its possibility.
It all hinges on how we’ve cultivated our relationship with Not Knowing.
Because if we’ve never spent quality time with Not Knowing then it is still terrifying. If we distract ourselves every time it arises, or we don’t have the skill to feel our experience in Not Knowing, or we don’t have the words to name it, then it remains untrustworthy.
Without meeting and exploring Not Knowing, it remains the beast in the closet.
And therein lies the trick. The opportunity.
If we’ve chosen to sit down with Not Knowing, to see its shape, to feel its texture. to listen to its layered arguments of distraction, then we may have found that it isn’t as scary as we think. We may have found that the Not Knowing is also spacious.
And the Not Knowing is absolutely full of possibility that we cannot even fathom.
And just when the Not Knowing might feel so big that we think we are going to disappear into its abyss, we find…
There is more.
Its not all Not Knowing. Ah, yes… the simple magic of truth.
We know Now. The past is already warping herself into tricky truths and winding wonderments. The future is a dream of our curling creativity.
But Now – Now is the elixir of softening. Now is the breath I take. Now is the heat and pulse of life confirmed in my ears. Now is the floor beneath my feet. Now is the tightening in my heart. Now is the gentle rain falling outside. Now is the sound of my girls with a friend upstairs playing (loudly). .
The rest was or will be – perhaps maybe. But now Is.
And so Now, I sit in this downpour of sensations. I pause the churning and I simply feel the bonfire of Me.
What power resides in Now. Embrace the Not Knowing and explore the underbelly of a shimmering, soaring, spectacular beast.
May you be gentle in your exploring.