I live in Central North Carolina. Hurricane Florence waltzes her way toward us right now. But I feel like she and I are in more of a tango. Finally. Prior to this morning, it was more of a street fight. And I was getting my butt kicked.
I’ve spent the prior 24 hours feeling a wound up washcloth of a belly, a twisted heart, and a perplexus of a mind. I wanted the “right” answer so badly. The right answer of how to protect my family.
The right answer of how to protect my family from what felt like the impending grief of devastation. A flavor I have come to know in my own way. That place shut me down from rational decision making and had me parked in the emotion of “I KNOW what grief feels like. I am going to think my way out of it right now. Please may I find the perfect answer. Please oh please.”
Commence wrangling rounds 1 through 20. And exhaustion from repeated defeat.
It is interesting. Usually I can communicate feel through my words. But I can’t articulate for you the intensity of the pleading, the internal kneeling, the contorting for safety that I was doing in body, mind and soul for that single right answer.
Yet I was missing something big. With my considerations and thought meanderings, I’d covered it all. And within my options, there wasn’t a single right answer. But – as my very wise friend and colleague pointed out to me – there was also no wrong answer.
And so I made my choice. I saw what my spinning was after. And in my way, I chose around that place.
In coming to action – from a place of not knowing what I’m even really trying to avoid – I was able to see the path that got me here. Community in a big way. Talking to those with more wisdom than I. Listening to those who could see more. Hearing the quiet lilt or the bemusement in neighbors decades older than me who have weathered so many storms both externally and internally. Watching the frantic-ness inside of me and in those around me. Seeing how it does not mirror at all the beauty that resides outside right now. A deep disconnect between that which exists inside of me in terms of a storm already at work and that which sits in front of me in feel of warm sun, thick heat, cicadas consistently buzzing, and my cats as lazy as ever.
I am not naive. I will continue to watch carefully and use the resources at my disposal. Most importantly, I will continue to take the next logical step. For my own Being and for those whom I love and hold dear.
And I will allow myself to rest a step back from it all deep within. To continue to witness the unbelievable majesty of nature in her effort at balance through air, water, ether, and earth. Using what she has available to her to not intentionally cause destruction but to do what she knows how to do. Balance in her way.
May we all be safe. May we all be well. May we embrace each other as we both watch and take action in the tango with nature.
Step wisely. Step thoughtfully. Step with love for yourself and one another in this peak of a plot line.
Take good care,